What if … we focused on and appreciated “the good” in people instead of looking for and magnifying “the bad”?

I know, I know, we have all done this at one time or another but some, well, let’s be honest, many, do it all the time. Unfortunately I believe, as a culture, we are more conditioned to see what’s “wrong” in people (and circumstances) than what’s “right”. It can definitely be considered a social disease.

This weekend I was sitting outside with a group of my friends enjoying the amazing weather and one of them, a relationship expert for a hit TV show, was telling us why he believes so many relationships fail or never even get started. The first thing he said was, “Everyone is so focused on finding the faults in other people that they can’t even see or appreciate all the positive qualities a person may have.” Sadly, I agree with him, hence the inspiration for this article. But this goes well beyond the intimate relationships he was referring to and extends into every relationship of our lives; most importantly the relationship that begins with ourselves.

Let’s seriously think about how just this one behavioral change or paradigm shift could positively impact the world around us. I believe it could instantly spawn a higher sense of internal happiness and fulfillment and definitely increase the positive affect relationships have on our lives. The domino effect from that could be increased productivity, self-worth, self-esteem and willingness to take risks and pursue our desires. Additionally, the gratification that we would get from spending time with the people around us would add so much more value to our lives that we would seek it less from material validation.

Think about how you feel when someone compliments you. It makes you feel empowered and proud; it probably increases your confidence too. So imagine if we personally committed to looking for all the positive qualities in others around us and even complimented them on it. What impact could that have? How many lives could you positively affect each day?

If you understand the effects of positive reinforcement and the evidence that surrounds it, imagine what would happen if we applied that to our own lives and how we interact with others. Wouldn’t we then be able help others see the good in themselves? And by complimenting we could reinforce, therefore encourage the continued behavior. For example, if someone does something thoughtful and you compliment him or her on it, doesn’t that encourage more thoughtful behavior, which then equally discourages selfish behavior?

So why do we do it? I don’t think there is one answer here but I would definitely say some of the top factors are bad habits becoming acceptable behavior, ignorance, fear of vulnerability and lack of confidence. I am by no means asking people to be naïve or trusting of people who may not be trustworthy, but simply suggesting to shift the focus and see what happens.

I am very fortunate to have many wonderful friends who have conditioned themselves to see the positive in people and situations (for the most part, no one is “perfect”) that sometimes I forget how much of an epidemic this is. But after discussing it this weekend I couldn’t stop thinking, “What if … we all became more aware of how we should appreciate people and chose to focus more on their great qualities instead of finding “what’s wrong” … what a game changer that could be; independently to globally.

So, why not try it, if even for a day?

One of my mantras is “Do not judge; be inspired.” Judgment is part of human nature. But instead, it makes more sense to stop and be mindful of the way something works or is built and ask, “Why is it this way? Does it have to be?” Mindfulness comes when you just observe things in the moment. It’s an incredible tool. I try to practice mindfulness everyday–stepping out of flow of what I’m doing for a brief time and just being in the moment, appreciating what’s going on around me. When you can do that, you can see in a new way. Mindfulness creates fertile ground for inspiration. You become inspired to change things.

How many products, companies, and industries have started because someone saw past the judgement of a problem or an obstacle and had the audacity to say, “Can’t we do this differently?”

When you are inspired everything becomes possible and passion becomes your fuel. It is a powerful state of mind to be in. However, if you are stuck in harsh judgment, you are shutting off possibilities around you.

The next time you are about to “judge” something, catch yourself and say, “What can I learn from this?” Committing to be more mindful can be the simple habit that changes your life.

To find out more, check out my new book What if? & Why not?: How to Transform Your Fears Into Action and Start the Business of Your Dreams

Entrepreneurship is not about business. It is about self-transformation. It is about becoming who you have always wanted to be. It is a 180-degree shift in perspective and mind-set — then living everyday in that mindset. You stare at yourself everyday, see your weaknesses close up, and find new ways to overcome them. If you’re approaching entrepreneurship correctly, it is transformative. As an entrepreneur, you should be in a constant state of personal growth. Launching yourself out into space with nothing but a wing, a prayer, an idea and a business plan. Being this far outside your comfort zone, will change who you are and how you live more completely than any self-help program, religious conversion, or psychotherapy.

One day I would love to poll entrepreneurs who fall into two groups: the wildly successful and the ones who gave up after a short while. I’ll bet you that 90 percent of the wildly successful ones spent more time working on themselves than their companies. They have cultivated their passion, their self-belief and their ability to inspire others everyday. They spend less time working on balance sheets and fine-tuning marketing plans and more time finding new ways to overcome their fears and bring audacious new ideas to light. That’s what entrepreneurs do: they change the world by changing themselves first.

Ideas aren’t just about product development or financial success; they are part of your identity. You show the world who you are through expression and development of your ideas. When I talk to aspiring entrepreneurs who never got their idea off the drawing board, I hear the same sad story: it’s not the idea they don’t believe in, but their own ability to make it work. They don’t believe they have what it takes to be a Tommy Hilfiger or a Jeff Bezos or a Mark Zuckerberg, the college kid who created Facebook. But do you know the only quality separating these moguls from other people? Self-belief and the willingness to shove the fear back in the corners of their minds and trust their ideas.

The first question to ask yourself when you think about taking the entrepreneurial leap isn’t “What kind of business do I want to start?”, it’s “Who do I want to become?” The first thing you must change before you can realize your dream is yourself. Call it the spiritual path to entrepreneurship if you like, but ask anyone who has built something great from nothing and he or she will back me up. When you start there, everything else falls into place.

To find out more, check out my new book What if? & Why not?: How to Transform Your Fears Into Action and Start the Business of Your Dreams

Once you work at overcoming self-doubt and the fear of failure it gets easier to take action to bring your entrepreneurial dream to life which can also lead to many other personal dreams coming to life as well, because starting a business is about more than making a living. It’s about the fulfillment of your creative spirit and personal vision. It’s about pushing yourself constantly to live up to your full potential. That’s why the hardest part of getting started and sustaining your business is overcoming your own thinking. Yes, there are external challenges when you’re trying to start a business: funding, competition, product development, hiring, and so on. But what really matters is whether you believe you have the ability to face and overcome those challenges. Until you can jump over your inner roadblocks, the outer ones will stay firmly in place.

Overcoming your inner obstacles is about learning to rethink
the fearful thoughts that can lead you to quit before you start. It’s
about changing your mind-set. This is the crucial tipping point that
will allow you to unlock the door to what you deserve. I have found
that many people don’t pursue their dreams because they don’t feel
that they deserve them. But what if you do? As Penn State football
coach Joe Paterno says, “Believe deep down in your heart that you
are destined to do great things.” I believe we all are–that each and
every one of us has a special purpose and meaning.

For example, one day a woman told me that she wanted to open
her own boutique, and she wanted to ask me a few questions about
getting started. She said it had been her dream since she was a little
girl. She was now forty-eight, her kids were grown and in college,
and time was no longer an excuse. I listened to her story, and it was
like so many others I’ve heard: excuse after excuse–not enough
time, not enough money, not enough connections.

I have heard this story so many times that I was frustrated.
So when this woman finished, I simply said, “What if you could
do it? What if it became the most successful boutique in the area?
What if you won awards? What if you could impact the community
in ways you never imagined?” I kept going for a minute, and the
woman’s eyes got bigger and bigger. She was clearly thinking, “I
never thought of it that way before.” We are programmed to look at
the “everything that could go wrong” side of our dreams, and we’re
told that to look at the “everything could go right” scenario is naïve
and childish. Maybe too idealistic. I beg to differ.

In my journey, one of my greatest strengths has been my ability to rethink
my fears and doubts by asking two huge questions: “What if?” “Why not?”
“What if?” and “Why not?” are powerful questions in
my universe. They empower me by reminding me to embrace the
“everything could go right” scenario and to imagine all the great
possibilities.

I remember when I developed my habit of asking these questions
into a strategic tool. When I was launching the Butler Bag Company,
everyone in the industry told me that my concept wouldn’t work.
The first few times I sat in meetings and heard the doubts, I became
defensive. That only prompted others to defend their points of view,
which got us nowhere. One day, I was sitting in yet another meeting
with people questioning my ideas and telling me what I couldn’t do.
Finally, I realized that I needed to stop defending myself. Instead, I
asked, “What if my idea does work? What if it redefines the indus-
try and you had a chance to be a part of it and chose not to?” The
change was stunning. The person sitting across the table from me
was no longer defensive. He stopped and gave serious thought to
what I had said. The power was all flowing toward me, allowing
new perspectives to emerge. This changed everything.

When you start asking these kinds of “What if?” and “Why not?”
questions, you rethink your fears. You turn them into potential and
then into reality. Today, when someone says, “Jen, that’s crazy,” I
think, “Fantastic! I must be on to something!” Original thinking is
always ridiculed until it becomes accepted wisdom.

Try it now. Make it a habit. Every time you start to flood your mind with thoughts of self-doubt or some else does it to you, hit the mental reset button and begin thinking of all the great possibilities and potential. Then put your ideas into action to pursue your dreams.

I was approached recently by a woman anxious to pursue her childhood dream of opening up her own boutique. At 48 and with her kids now out of the house, she sensed that her opportunity had finally arrived but wasn’t sure where exactly to begin. She, like most who want to start a business, was feeling very trepidacious about taking those first crucial steps. So, I asked her to fill me in on the whole story of her vision in the hopes of getting a clearer idea of how my experience may help.

As someone who gets asked about this subject often, it came as no surprise to me that her explanation was laden with self-doubt and excuses – not enough time, not enough money, no connections, etc… In fact, she had already set herself up to fail before she we were even two minutes into the conversation. It was at that point I stopped her and began the reprogramming that would be necessary if she was ever going to see her dream through.

“What if you could do it?” I asked. “What if it became the most successful boutique in the area? What if you won awards? What if you could impact the community in ways you never imagined?”

This clearly caught her off-guard but as I continued this line of questioning, I could see her eyes begin to brighten up and a new energy fill her aura. She clearly had never thought this way and was turning a corner from the “focus on the negative and everything that could go wrong” mentality.

Unfortunately this sort of failure mindset is all too common these days. Too many have been programmed to immediately identify why we shouldn’t follow our passions instead of first considering all the happiness and vitality that doing so would bring. Overcoming our own limits in thinking and redefining the way we look at success has been the first and most profound step that many of us had had (and will have) to take.

Starting a business is about much more than making a living. It’s about pushing yourself to constantly live up to your potential in order to fulfill your creative spirit and personal vision. Of course there will always be external challenges when starting (and maintaining) a business: funding, competition, product development, hiring and so on. But what really matters is whether you believe you have the ability to face and overcome those challenges. Until you can jump over your inner roadblocks, the outer ones will stay firmly in place.

In my journey, my greatest asset has been teaching myself to rethink my fears and doubts by asking two huge questions: “What If?” and “Why Not?”

“What If?” and “Why Not?” are powerful questions in my universe. They empower me by reminding me to embrace the “everything could go right” scenario and to imagine all the great possibilities. When you start asking “What If?” and “Why Not?” you’re forced to confront, rethink, and reframe your fears; turning them into potential and then into reality. For example, if you’ve been feeling intimidated by the idea of all the hard work that goes into starting your own business, ask yourself, “What if working hard and having fun were the same thing?” (That’s the wonderful secret of entrepreneurship that no one tells you, by the way: when you’re doing something you love, even if you’re working longer hours than ever, you’ll never get tired because you’re doing what you love.)

So, why not add these two simple questions to your inner vernacular?

What if it led you to discover passion and success in not just business but every aspect of your life?

Hey, want to know a secret? It’s all about the “who.” Yeah, yeah, I know. Everyone out there can’t stop talking about and looking for the almighty “what” — but I’m telling you, start with the “who” and the “what” will take care of itself; in all aspects of life.

“Who,” of course, refers to the quality of people you surround yourself with and this is exactly what I wish I could whisper into the ear of every fledgling entrepreneur and small business owner as they embark on their journey. Because in the midst of this financial crisis/recalibration, it is the agile upstarts who will ultimately reshape, redefine, and re-grow American industry and I want to assure that these new businesses get built as securely and successfully as possible.

So, I follow up my mantra of “who” with this great big tip: find (or form) a mastermind group.

To put it in the simplest of terms, a mastermind group is a group of motivated, like-minded individuals who unite to form an inner sanctum or braintrust from which they collectively and synergistically work together towards goals of the members. Mastermind groups come in all different shapes, forms, and sizes (i.e., a group of golfing buddies, a Tuesday lunch or cocktail group, a group who meets and communicates internationally via the web) and there are no set rules for how they form, operate, or govern or how long they exist. The only requirement is that there is a dynamic of trust, respect, admiration, positivity, support, commitment, and fun. Yes, fun. A mastermind group should represent a pure symbiotic relationship in which all members gain from and enjoy their involvement. The cost of operating such a group is minimal, if anything at all, yet the benefits are profound and give your business the best chance for success through all phases of development and growth.

Below are the top 5 reasons that this is so:

Creative Enhancement

Ideas need collective input from different perspectives to develop. When a group is able to brainstorm and meditate together on one idea, that idea has no choice but to grow and/or reinforce. Even if the idea, at the end, remains unchanged, you will have a new confidence in it knowing that it has been thoroughly vetted. A breeding ground for new ideas is also created in this sort on environment where free thought and expression are allowed and encouraged to flow.

Networking and Building Business Relationships

Sharing what your goals with others exposes what your needs are. Often these needs will involve enlisting outside help and often members of your mastermind group will have contact with the next person/people you need to know. Each member’s contacts should ultimately become the group’s contacts and any introduction that is made on behalf of a fellow group member should be made with complete confidence – or not at all. Business relationships are built on credibility and trust and when outside people/businesses are thrilled to get a referral from within your group, the whole group becomes more powerful.

Resource Enhancement

Although members of your group should be somewhat like-minded, it also helps if each brings something unique to the table in terms of background and experience. Therefore, when you encounter an obstacle or challenge, certain members will have the knowledge and/or physical resources to assist you. For example, a member who needs certain printed materials may find that one member has free access to the printing hardware needed and another has already printed similar materials and can show her how to do it. Such collaborative resources can save you untold amounts of time and money.

Accountability

This is basic human nature in regards to social pressure. We are more likely to stick to something when others have a vested interest in our involvement. It’s sometimes easy to justify to ourselves why we quit but it’s always more difficult to let others down. When we make a commitment and state our goals to the group, we are making our self responsible for taking action and seeing those goals through.

Motivation

Everyone has good days and bad days but when you enter the world of entrepreneurial business, those highs and lows increase exponentially. This is where the support aspect of the group enters as even the most stoic and successful among us will have days that shake their confidence and rattle them to the core. Having business friends to lean on in these moments of doubt that can inspire and motivate you is critical to assuring that you jump back on the horse the moment you fall off.

The value of people and relationships in our lives should never be overlooked or underestimated. As one of my favorite authors, T. Harv Eker always says, “Your network is your net worth.” Entrepreneurs, in particular, have a tendency to try to tackle everything themselves and often will lose sight of the fact that they can’t (and shouldn’t — after all, everything is sweeter when you can enjoy it with others) do it all alone. Mastermind groups provide a level of camaraderie and productivity unlike any other out there and it is my sincerest hope that you seek one out. At the very least, though, always remember the “who” surpasses the “what.”

There are a myriad of powerful, practical, and universal lessons to be gleaned from the science and art of racing. For me, two of these became apparent in elementary school when I was competing in the Junior Olympic’s 200 Meter race. After assuming a strong lead, and despite the fact that my coach at the time had repeatedly warned me that losing focus of the finish line would cost me the race, I allowed the sound of impending footsteps from behind to distract me to the point that I turned my head, stumbled slightly, lost the lead, and worst of all, got completely taken out of my game. I vowed that day to grow from my mistake and forever carry these nuggets of wisdom with me (which have since become cornerstones of my success):

Avoid Looking in Your Peripheral View

Don’t confuse this as meaning that you should be unaware. I was very aware of what was happening in my race as the footsteps and heavy breath of the girl behind me made her presence and position abundantly clear. What I didn’t need to do was look back at her and give-in to my curiosity of who this person was who dare try and pass me.

Too often I see people, personally and professionally, consumed with what other people around them are doing, rather than focusing on themselves; their goals, personal bests and action steps to achieve them. When you concentrate your energy (mental, physical, or emotional) on anything other than “your race” you are in essence hindering your chances to win. If you constantly see others around you as nothing but your competition and become more consumed with what they are doing than with what you need to do, chances are you will not only lose but be miserable too.

Stay Focused on the Positive and Productive

This plays hand-in-hand with lesson #1. It’s much easier to block out the noise of “the competition” and stay within yourself when you keep your eye on the prize and your thoughts centered on positive outcomes. In the case of my story, counter-productive emotions won out. I let my fear of being passed up on the track overtake my desire to experience the thrill of winning/running a great race.

Unfortunately, in entrepreneurs eager to launch an idea, I often see this tendency to succumb to fear when it’s time to share their idea with others; worrying that it will be stolen if they talk about it. When it comes to these concerns I like to challenge myself and other entrepreneurs to adopt a defiantly positive mindset and think more along the lines of “Go ahead, steal my idea if you want. I’ll just come up with another and another and another — and each one will be better than the last!” Now, I’m certainly not suggesting that you actually say that or that it’s not imperative to protect your intellectual property, but you can see how an attitude that’s centered on inner-strength and belief creates a confident, resilient aura and keeps unproductive emotions from paralyzing your efforts. It takes an incredible amount of energy to see a concept through to market and positivity is an entrepreneur’s lightning rod. Be sure to treat it as the invaluable currency that it is.

There’s a very poignant, and now famous, quote from a faux college commencement speech by Mary Schmich that goes, “Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.” So true. So stay focused on the prize of your own race. And don’t worry about who’s in front, behind, or beside you — there will be more than enough drama in your own journey to keep the story interesting.